Nobody should eat this many biscuits.

This is one of those recipes that you should never make alone, or you will have to call into work because you won’t have any self-respect after eating this entire dish, which consists of eight large biscuits, one pound of sausage, over a cup of cheese, six eggs, a cup of milk, and two cups of gravy. It should be named “The Slow American Suicide” but that’ll never sell books and that’s what I’m in it for—a failed songwriter looking to finally hit it big with biscuits and gravy instead of talent and hard work.

Ingredients

  • onion
  • egg
  • biscuits
  • shredded cheese
  • gravy
  • sausage
  • milk
  • salt and pepper

Method

Wake up in the morning with the ingredients already in your refrigerator, if you can manage that then anything is possible. Start chopping your onion in preparation for a breakfast omelet but then realize how annoying frying an omelet is when you see there’s a can of biscuits in the back of the refrigerator. I would try it, but the liquid makes this dish too much on the soggy side, so put those onions in a Tupperware to keep in the refrigerator for the next meal.

Pork sausage is the quintessential choice of meat for this dish, although you could substitute it for chicken sausage if that’s all you have, but let’s be honest, it won’t be because you’re watching the fat. Cook one pound and let it sit in the pan while you move on to the biscuits.

I used to try and peel off the whole label to see if the can of biscuits would pop open on its own like a jack-in-the-box; sometimes it would but I am not so fond of surprises, so now I rip off just enough of the label to relieve the pressure and then knock the corner of the can against the countertop. It’s a much more satisfying pop because I am in control, something that rarely I get to say with confidence. You could argue that by making this dish in the first place I have no control, because there’s nothing about this dish that’s healthy with the inarguable exception of the eggs; remarkable little gifts from God.

The can of biscuits comes with an eight-count that you’ll quarter into thirty-two pieces and spread evenly across a nine-by-thirteen-inch nonstick baking pan, which still I would lightly grease with olive oil. Sprinkle the cooked sausage evenly on and around all the biscuit quarters followed by a rounded cup of shredded white cheese, you know, because it’s healthier than yellow cheese and every dish needs a touch of irony.

For some reason six seems to be the perfect number of eggs for a dish of this size but there really should be no rule stating you can’t use five or seven; however, an odd number of eggs presents a conundrum with evenly distributing brown and white eggs—a nice metaphor for the undue burden diversity quotas place on business. You may also need to further ruminate on the choice not to use six eggs because with too few eggs it won’t meld together and with too many it becomes a biscuit quiche, which sounds like a new type of attaché case that hipsters carry. Using your anti-postmodern whisk, mix the eggs in a bowl with half a cup of milk, salt, and black pepper then leave it on the countertop while you start the gravy.

Before we start the gravy, I do realize that many of these steps could have been streamlined. You might have started the gravy first, perhaps this can be a lesson to read all the instructions first like they told us in school, so that you can think critically and maybe come up with a better way to do something. That’s a wholly respectable position but you must understand that this is a quick six-hour recipe and sometimes I might even make the sausage the night before with a meat grinder which would be a whole new cookbook. Furthermore, there is benefit for allowing the eggs to come up to room temperature, probably. Ask Gordan Ramsay because I have no idea. Lord knows he’s been on television long enough; he probably has an opinion.

A simple packet of premixed white gravy will do, but if you want to be a hardcore badass you would have saved the grease from the sausage to make your own. Whatever path you choose, make sure it yields two cups.

Pour the eggs and milk evenly into your baking dish so that it oozes between the biscuits, sausage, and cheese. You must be scarce in the beginning as you pour because with the proportions I’ve described, there will just barely be enough liquid to go around, and you really want this to be as even as possible. Do the same with the gravy next, after you pour the egg mixture spread the gravy evenly on that of top then bake it all uncovered at 350° for forty-five minutes.